This shirt is “dry-clean only”…which means it’s dirty

Awkward. Fucking awkward. I’ve been through my fair share of awkward moments; hell, everyone has! But up until this weekend I did not truly know what awkward meant. I think I did, but I didn’t.  I so didn’t. It’s like when you’re young and you steal your mom’s car

"Will you let me off with a warning?"

"I swear they came out of nowhere, officer!"

and you’re like “Of course I can drive! A trained monkey could, why couldn’t I?” and after you crash the thing into a tree it hits you: You don’t really know how to drive.

But I digress. The story is as follows: There’s this friend of mine who I consider to be one of the closest persons to me. He has done a shitload of stuff for me so it is only logical that I can’t refuse when he asks for a favor. So last Saturday we were chillin’ at some friend’s house and he said that he had to leave early cause he was supposed to accompany his girlfriend to a party from a friend of hers (her best male friend, mind you… though I’m quite positive this friend of hers is either gay or bi-curious).

The thing was, he barely knew anyone at the party. It was going to be an excruciating evening for him. So he asked me to go along and I accepted. I mean… what could go wrong?

"Don't mind me, I'm just changing the fuse. My wife and eleven children will be so proud!"

What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Yeah. Let me tell you what could go wrong. We arrived at about half past eleven so the party was already going on. We went in and greeted the birthday boy and then my friend’s girlfriend left us alone to greet her other friends. So both of us were talking to each other since we didn’t know anybody else there; and then it hit me: WE DIDN’T KNOW ANYBODY ELSE THERE. It was a birthday party, and I hadn’t been invited! I crashed the guy’s birthday party! With a poker face!

Oh but it gets better. I realized lots of people were looking at us (mostly staring at me) and talking about us. The house was pretty small, like REALLY fucking small. Lady Gaga’s sex-

"I know what you did last summer."

"You're not from around here, are you boys?"

appeal? Yeah, smaller than that. (I’m not being douchy, I want to make a point: There was nowhere we could “hide”). So I took my friend near an open door that led to a garden and told him that this was way too fucking awkward, that the party was terrible (it was) and the house was smaller than Tottenham’s trophy gallery. (It’s small, for you non-footies, a.k.a. ballet dancers). So everywhere we stood we would be blocking someone’s way.

So I proceeded to try and escape through the open door I was talking next to, only to realize the birthday boy’s mother, father, grandparents, little sister, priest, homoerotic partner and puppy were standing there, listening to every word I said and looking at me in the most judgmental way possible.

After the intensive therapy, he realized he was no pegasus.

I'm out, bitches!

At that point I was like fuck it, time to bust. But no, destiny still hadn’t had the last laugh. At that exact second someone (curse the motherfucker) yelled – “IT’S TWELVE O’CLOCK!” – and everyone ran towards the birthday boy who happened to be a meter away from me. Did I mention the house was small? I was in the middle between the devil and the deep blue sea. I couldn’t take anymore nor could my friend. We both gave the most awkward birthday greeting to the guy and ran like fuck. Fucking Usain Bolt ain’t got nothing on us. We got to his car and busted out. I guess his girl will understand.

Varg seems pleased. Let's keep it that way.

Now, the only thing that can take my mind away from that is some good old Black Metal, the church burning kind. I’ll leave you with a song from Mr. Church Burner himself: Varg Vikerness, also known as Burzum (Or Vargy I hear his mother calls him). This is my favorite song from his latest album and if you don’t like it keep it to your fucking self. Do you really want to piss off a guy who burns churches and stabs people as a hobby? Yeah, I thought so.

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Rape is not rape if it’s surprise

Yes. After so many years losing against teams that aren’t worth half what Real Madrid is we are at the quarter finals.  And we didn’t deserve most of those loses, though Juventus did a number on us. Arsenal only won from an isolated genius play from Henry (from back when wasn’t an old, useless guy who only runs in the left wing). Bayern won because

Hurrr durrr I know defense.

I catch Pokémon now. Defend later.

Roberto Carlos is as useful as a defender as watching Jersey Shore is a good substitute for reading. Don’t get me started on the Roma matches. Liverpool won because of a foul against Pepe that the referee decided didn’t happen and a penalty Heinze didn’t actually commit. (Then again it’s Heinze we’re talking about so I can’t blame the referee for thinking he’d screw things up.)

And last year after Real raped Lyon in the first time but then we got tied in the most retarded way possible. But this year we got our Vendetta. And now for the tenth!

What is that? You’re not a Real fan nor are you interested in the post so far? Fuck you. Are you a fan of that? Good.

Where are you going? The match is over there!

I'd love to hold Ronaldo's hand too. That's not gay at all.

Ok, moving on. Check this out:

Holy. Fucking. Shit. I made it clear that I was a musical elitist in my first post and this song has touched me.  Inappropriately. Fuck, it was like date rape. As a matter of fact, I’d love to be date raped if it meant I wouldn’t have to listen to this again. Take my kidney while you’re at it, I don’t even care. What’s that? No Vaseline either? Ok, now that’s just rude.

The quotes from this steaming piece of crap are priceless. Like, when in MasterCard commercials they say there’s stuff money can’t buy, they’re talking about Rebecca Black’s quotes.

Gotta make my mind up. Which seat can I take? – Really? Bitch, let me make it easy for you. There’s only one free seat. Plus, the guy back there seems THRILLED to

I'm shocked she actually has friends.

A friend beats a huge-ass axe everytime.

have you there. “Special” people are the nicest, aren’t they?

I got this, you got this. My friend is by my right. – Your friend is by your right? Oh, now I’m sure you’ve got this.

Yesterday was Thursday. Today it is Friday (…). Tomorrow is Saturday. And Sunday come afterwards. – Wow. This is deep stuff.  No, seriously. Think about it for a second: Have you ever really, really realized how Saturday comes after Friday? And, wait for it… then… Sunday? Have you?! … yes? Oh. Never mind then.

Also, does anybody else find it extremely creepy that a ghetto raper (Pato) comes out of nowhere at the end of the video? No, I don’t mean it’s creepy that he’s featuring in a video by a brain-damaged 13 year old girl. The fact that the most illegal thing he talks about is changing lanes gives me shivers.

Fuck this. The week only has six days for me from now on.

Time for a palate cleanser. Today’s track is from Sludge Metal band Baroness. They come from Savannah. Not Africa you idiot! That’s Savanna with no “h” in it! Savannah, Georgia! Ugh, you should be making a video called “Saturday”. Anyway the song is quite chill and incredibly good so even non-metal people (ice skaters I call them) should appreciate it. Oh and the video is not official but it’s pretty dam good. Quite trippy. Don’t do drugs, kids.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Pizza leftover is the best breakfast ever

I appreciate irony. There’s just something beautiful about it. You don’t agree? You will; my neighbor had been parking his fucking 50 year old car close to my garage for a month arguing that he could be able to watch the god dam thing and nothing would happen to it.

This annoyed me because it was difficult to take out my mom’s car and even more impossible to take mine since the garage door suits only on car per time. Also when someone came to visit they couldn’t park in the spot that was supposed to be for my guests. Even after arguing with the douche a number of times he said that my argument was invalid since it was a public spot and he also wanted to sell the car and it was a good spot for people to see it.

At that point I didn’t know what to do. And it was then when irony stuck her beautiful teeth into the d-bag’s neck.

Two nights ago at around 4 a.m. I heard a huge noise. Like something quite heavy hitting the floor. I checked if everyone at home was ok. Since everyone was I went back to sleep but I couldn’t quite make out what the sound was. Until the next morning.

Irony makes for a sexy, sexy scene.

Irony makes for a sexy, sexy scene.

Yes. Despite the security watchmen had been up. Despite the security posts you have to go through. Despite my neighborhood not being dangerous. He got all his 4 tires stolen. Also since the car hit the floor pretty hard (and it was 50 FUCKING years old) it got screwed up and now it can only be sold for scrap. Useless, heavy, 50-year-old scrap. Hell, I’m guessing he’ll get like a bubblegum and two pennies.

Beautiful, isn’t it? But as sexy as irony might be it can also be bitch. Even to an irony lover like me, she can be a harsh mistress.

See, there’s this girl I used to fight a lot with when I was a child. Like A LOT. It was middle school and to be honest I don’t remember what the fights were about (I’m guessing grades or some useless shit like that) but we didn’t get along. Then she left for the US and to be honest it’s not like I cared a lot.

Time went by. And one day speaking with one of my best (female) friends, I learned she was still friends with this chick that migrated to the US. My friend (let’s call her Mandi) said all sorts of great stuff about this girl and how she was similar to me personality-wise.

And she was right. I got to truly meet this chick and boy do I regret not doing it before. I could go on saying pretty things, but as it turns out I’m not gay nor am interested in becoming an ice skater. So I’ll just list some of the things we have in common and you’ll see how awesome she is, which makes me pretty awesome as well.

  1. Fuck macs. Yeah.

    LOL

    But it can fit in an envelope!

  2. Ferrari puts every other car to shame.
  3. Sarcasm is not just a way of saying things. It’s a way of life.
  4. You can only TRULY enjoy music, good music, when you become a musical elitist.
  5. If you don’t get the last word, you are useless.
  6. Football (ACTUAL football) is the best sport known to man.

So much for not knowing what you’ve got until you lose it, huh? Irony you scheming bitch. But I love you that way.

Oh and the girl I was talking you about is smart. Like, really smart. Not “Awww did you draw that yourself? Let’s put it in the fridge!” smart but actual smart. Not like “street-smart” (which is fancy language for “imaginary smart” or “fucking retarded but shy about it”) but actually smart. Don’t believe me? Well, fuck you. I never doubted your word. Ok, see for yourself and check her blog out. Don’t worry, it’s ok to feel less intelligent than her when you read it. You probably are.

caramelchailatte.wordpress.com

Enjoy. Now, since it’s Saturday I’m in the mood for something electronic. So I’ll leave you with one of the best d’n’b (that’s drum & bass for you dummies) songs of all time. Rouge City by Telemetrik. Thank me later. Or now. Better do it now. Why aren’t you on your knees? Oh. Sorry. Didn’t see the wheelchair back there.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

So you think you have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Model?

OK. So I just opened up a blog. Why? Beats me. Why am I writing in English when Spanish is my mother tongue? Well aren’t you a curious one.

See, I recently realized there’s a lot of stuff I like to argue about. Be it football (REAL football for you U.S. citizens), technology, religion (I’m an atheist), music (I’m a musical elitist), whatever you did last summer, cars, STDs or breakfast. This doesn’t mean I’m an angry person… I’m just dying to prove you wrong. Unless you agree with me; in that case have a cookie.

You don’t like the cookie? But I baked it with cinnamon and a sprinkle of love. And by love I mean laxative. Three cheers for a healthy colon!

But I digress. This is about the blog. I will be posting things about stuff and such. You’re more than welcome to post and discuss. But you better behave or else I will have that cookie back.

Being this the first post I’ll just keep it casual and post a link for a song I’ve been digging pretty hard as of late. Enjoy this masterpiece by Mew. What? No! It’s not the Pokémon you nerd! It’s an Indie Rock/Shoegaze band from Denmark.

Ugh. I hate you.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments