If a Turtle Loses Its Shell… Is It Naked or Homeless?

You know, at some point I kinda realized this blog worked as a vent for when I was dealing with dark times. This meant that once I found myself out of that state of mind I could lay this blog to rest. Except for one small, unimportant detail:

"I cry tears of sorrow... and mayonnaise."

“I was going through some dark times… but then I ate them.”

That statement is all-around bullshit. Dark times? That’s just emo language for “Daddy please hug me!!”.  I’m just one hell of a lazy bastard when it comes to this business of blogging. How lazy you say? Well, I’ve neglected this for more than a year and I’ve decided to update during the beginning of finals week. That speaks volumes, doesn’t it? Three cheers for procrastination!

Anyway, lots of stuff has happened since I last updated (It’s been a year, duh!). The biggest deal was, hands down, a summer trip to the US. It was pretty awesome; lived, loved and partied hard. I’ll elaborate in upcoming posts… so look for those next year or so!

Only with more machine guns.

Yeah, it was kinda like that.

Buuuuuuuuuuut, for the time being there is some more recent stuff I want to rant about.

I read somewhere that a plan to assassinate Michelle Obama was recently foiled. Seriously? Is the economy so fucked up that assassins don’t have budget to target the president anymore and have to settle for the next best thing?

“Now that Michelle is gone our love can finally be.”

… actually, never mind. Just double checked and turns out it was just an officer who made an “inappropriate comment”. I would give him life in jail, if only for being stupid enough to tell his fellow officers he wanted to kill the first lady.

“I’m not gonna give him the beating he needs, but the beating he deserves.”

"You might be able to eat me... BUT YOU SURE AS HELL WON'T ENJOY ME!"

Well, shit.

Next up, a love story: I love sushi in the most loving manner. I would put a ring on it.That’s why it saddens me when a maki decides to neglect deliciousness and commits suicide. See, Uramakis are all about the topping, without it they are just rolls of rice with seaweed and raw fish inside. Probably the stress of being way-too-awesome-to-handle makes some of those makis to fall sideways when so much as touched with the chopsticks (presumably while yelling “YOU WON’T TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM!”). As a result, what could have been the best thing ever turns into a bland piece of shit. Just try and pick up that topping with chopsticks. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Now, it’s time for: Harry Potter & The Awful Pseudo-Sport.

"Oh... right"

“They all laughed when I said I would get into sports… BUT WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!”

Quidditch. Mother-fucking Quidditch. I’m indifferent towards the Harry Potter universe but this has to be the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in a while. It’s understandable when it’s some little kids running around with brooms and yelling “Abrakamboozle” while throwing balls to each other’s faces. (I hear Japanese businessmen also take part in something alike, only it costs $400 an hour… and involves far more golden rain).

But these guys are not children nor Japanese businessmen. Look bellow. You read that right: Intercollegiate Quidditch. Watch the video. It looks even sadder than it sounds.

I have nothing against fun, but come the fuck on. This stopped being a sport and started being a sad attempt to relive your childhood when you picked up a broomstick that serves no other purpose than to pretend you’re flying.

I find solace in the fact that this is an isolated case in some underground college for people with Peter Pan syndrome.

"I feel prettyyyyy, Oh, so prettyyyyy..."

The biking team.

… wait. What the fuck do you mean by “This is going on in the likes of Boston and Princeton”?!

Well, shit.

Oh, look at the time! I have some studying to do so for the time being I’ll leave you with the latest track from Mr. Joel Zimmerman (a.k.a deadmau5). That way you can get your rave on and forget about the quiddich enthusiasts.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everybody else.

Don't let this be your roll. Contact the suicide hotline before it's too late.

Never Forget


About CR7

So you think you had a hard childhood? Well, fuck you. It's got nothing on mine. My mom threw me out of the house before I even hit 13, and I never met my dad. My only friend till I was 10 was the prick next door who was always beating me and telling me I wasn't worth shit. It's not like I had a choice: the town I lived in only had like 9 people in it. I spent my adolesence moving around fighting people. But it gets worse. My only friend then was an asian guy in his 30s or something who was somewhat of a perv. The only perk was that I got to hang around with this cute ginger chick. She enjoyed beating me but I trust it was her way of caring. But dear God the bane of my existance was this adult couple that I could NOT seem to avoid. You know the types of couples that are absolutely sickening, like they wear matching outfits and finish each other sentences? Yeah they were fucking creepers, and they had a cat, who was at least twice as annoying as they were, I swear this thing would never shut the fuck up. Like I said I ended up moving from town to town getting into fights with other kids my age, even adults from time to time. The only thing that kept me going was my dream to become a Pokemon master.
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