If a Turtle Loses Its Shell… Is It Naked or Homeless?

You know, at some point I kinda realized this blog worked as a vent for when I was dealing with dark times. This meant that once I found myself out of that state of mind I could lay this blog to rest. Except for one small, unimportant detail:

"I cry tears of sorrow... and mayonnaise."

“I was going through some dark times… but then I ate them.”

That statement is all-around bullshit. Dark times? That’s just emo language for “Daddy please hug me!!”.  I’m just one hell of a lazy bastard when it comes to this business of blogging. How lazy you say? Well, I’ve neglected this for more than a year and I’ve decided to update during the beginning of finals week. That speaks volumes, doesn’t it? Three cheers for procrastination!

Anyway, lots of stuff has happened since I last updated (It’s been a year, duh!). The biggest deal was, hands down, a summer trip to the US. It was pretty awesome; lived, loved and partied hard. I’ll elaborate in upcoming posts… so look for those next year or so!

Only with more machine guns.

Yeah, it was kinda like that.

Buuuuuuuuuuut, for the time being there is some more recent stuff I want to rant about.

I read somewhere that a plan to assassinate Michelle Obama was recently foiled. Seriously? Is the economy so fucked up that assassins don’t have budget to target the president anymore and have to settle for the next best thing?

“Now that Michelle is gone our love can finally be.”

… actually, never mind. Just double checked and turns out it was just an officer who made an “inappropriate comment”. I would give him life in jail, if only for being stupid enough to tell his fellow officers he wanted to kill the first lady.

“I’m not gonna give him the beating he needs, but the beating he deserves.”

"You might be able to eat me... BUT YOU SURE AS HELL WON'T ENJOY ME!"

Well, shit.

Next up, a love story: I love sushi in the most loving manner. I would put a ring on it.That’s why it saddens me when a maki decides to neglect deliciousness and commits suicide. See, Uramakis are all about the topping, without it they are just rolls of rice with seaweed and raw fish inside. Probably the stress of being way-too-awesome-to-handle makes some of those makis to fall sideways when so much as touched with the chopsticks (presumably while yelling “YOU WON’T TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM!”). As a result, what could have been the best thing ever turns into a bland piece of shit. Just try and pick up that topping with chopsticks. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Now, it’s time for: Harry Potter & The Awful Pseudo-Sport.

"Oh... right"

“They all laughed when I said I would get into sports… BUT WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!”

Quidditch. Mother-fucking Quidditch. I’m indifferent towards the Harry Potter universe but this has to be the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in a while. It’s understandable when it’s some little kids running around with brooms and yelling “Abrakamboozle” while throwing balls to each other’s faces. (I hear Japanese businessmen also take part in something alike, only it costs $400 an hour… and involves far more golden rain).

But these guys are not children nor Japanese businessmen. Look bellow. You read that right: Intercollegiate Quidditch. Watch the video. It looks even sadder than it sounds.

I have nothing against fun, but come the fuck on. This stopped being a sport and started being a sad attempt to relive your childhood when you picked up a broomstick that serves no other purpose than to pretend you’re flying.

I find solace in the fact that this is an isolated case in some underground college for people with Peter Pan syndrome.

"I feel prettyyyyy, Oh, so prettyyyyy..."

The biking team.

… wait. What the fuck do you mean by “This is going on in the likes of Boston and Princeton”?!

Well, shit.

Oh, look at the time! I have some studying to do so for the time being I’ll leave you with the latest track from Mr. Joel Zimmerman (a.k.a deadmau5). That way you can get your rave on and forget about the quiddich enthusiasts.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everybody else.

Don't let this be your roll. Contact the suicide hotline before it's too late.

Never Forget

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Oh Gawd It’s Them Bootleg Fireworks!

So I just finished the semester at the uni and got the grades from my finals today. Aced some, some went good and some went really awful. Like, really fucking awful. Norway shootings kind of awful. Speaking of which, I just heard about that in the news half an hour ago (I’ve neglected Cnn ever since I finished finals week) and I’m shocked; it’s an incredibly terrible thing and I’m sorry for the loss of the families.

Sad part is, he didn't even have time to drop the soap.

That's not Charlie Sheen. Gaining that much weight would mean he's layed off the coke...

But what baffles me the most is that there’s still no one rotting in jail or getting the chair for this. It’s amazing that they still can’t prove that the guy they have detained was responsible for the death of 80 people! Or that he’s the guy they’re actually looking for! How is it that someone gets away with this kind of murder! I mean if you’re fucking Waldo, then ok… I guess you could hide for two or three days tops. Anyway I hope the people behind this get the worst kind of punishment there is. I’m guessing it has dipping you in cocaine and Vaseline, then locking you in a Room with Charlie Sheen.

Though seeing that kind of crazy shit means shrooms at the very least.

The fastest ticket to wonderland.

Speaking of coke, the 27 club just got a new member. Don’t give me that look, I know the death is still unexplained but what else could it possibly be? It’s a shame really, I wasn’t too fond of her music but damn that woman could sing. That “27 club” thingy gives me the creeps… it’s not like I’m into conspiracy theories, it’s just it really is weird. I know coincidences happen and tons of people die at 27 and some are bound to be famous or known. But the kind of celebrity that dies always fits the same profile… anyway let’s move on.

Ok… what else… ah yes! More sad news! Turns out Disney lied to us and wild cats are not nice guys who want to sing catchy tunes with a pig and what appears to be a thin rat. Oh no, no sir. This leopard took advantage of that popular belief and mauled eleven people in India. The sneaky bastard was also incredibly tough since he died of stab wounds… hours after he attacked those people! That sick fuck was being stabbed but he kept on going biting people in the face! That’s one determined asshole.

Sad is an understatement. Someone please give that torso the suicide hotline number!

So many bad news make sad torso a very sad torso.

FAR more stupid.

Yeah it's like this only far more stupid.

Another thing I wanted to rant about is those fucking “smart traffic lights” that were installed in my city (Lima) some months ago. When I was younger the word “smart” meant something. These traffic lights, with the help of fiber optics, are supposed to calculate how much crossing time they should give to each street according to how much traffic there is and helped by an algorithm that gives more or less importance to the street/avenue. But that’s Promised Land kind of shit. Those must be the most stupid traffic lights I’ve ever seen! I’ve missed class and arrived late at important stuff because while I’m the most important and traffic filled avenue in the city, this “smart” motherfucker decides he should give more time to a street that crossed the avenue which had three cars. Three damned cars. They were long gone and we still had 70 seconds to look forward to. And this happened again like 7 times on the way. Now there are policemen clearing up the mess those traffic lights make.

Yeah let’s spend a bazillion dollars in smart traffic lights that can’t even deal with simple math and then get cops to do that job! Smart investment, government! You guys rock!

I’m pretty sure the mayor is the guy behind this camera:

Geezus loves stupid people. He should, they seem to love him back a lot.

Anyway, now I’m on vacation and should be going to my home town to days from now. Shenanigans will ensue and I’ll post often. I can foresee these posts being… insightful. Since I got you down with all these bad news I’ll leave you with something special. It’s Kanye… please let me finish. It’s Kanye West! Yeah I know he’s s total douche, but he’s actually really talented. His latest album is amazing and so is this short film which implements the songs from said album. Even if you don’t like Kanye I recommend watching this because it’s an incredible short film on its own. Enjoy you evil bastards!

And remember: Life is short.
False! It’s the longest thing you do, you whinny bitch.

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Rape: Only Funny When You’re Either Libyan Or A Clown.

Hey, am I still doing this? Well, it does look that way.

Since it’s been a while since I posted I’ll just go ahead and rant about stuff I think matters but is rather old news now so you’ll be bored to tears. Yay! Let’s get it started, ha! Let’s get it started, in here!

First off, the Osama thingy. He’s dead.

Come out, man. I just want you to pull my finger.

Look! A tree!

Next up; some more recent stuff.  Can you believe this Gadafi guy? I mean, it was pretty clear he was out of his fucking mind but now it’s getting ridiculous. Any dictator with half a brain would have surrendered by now… it’s pretty clear the “rebels” are well armed and organized, plus the NATO forces are kind of a big deal. But Moamar has an ace up his sleeve, one that could turn the war around. Realizing that his enemies had control over the air he stated: “If they come to the ground, we will wait for them, but they are cowards, they will not dare”.

"And you don't want to find out what happens when you bring out the nukes!"

Your Black Hawks are no rival to the power of my pelvic thrust!

Of course they won’t dare, they are not FUCKING STUPID. Knowing this, he proceeded to unleash his ultimate weapon. Wait for it… rape! That’s right! Knowing that NATO forces controlled the air, he decided to order his troops to rape anything that breathes that happens to be so unfortunate to cross paths with them. Brilliant, fucking brilliant… ‘cause rape beats an air strike ANY GOD DAMNED TIME. He must be like the greatest military mind of all time.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot… happy father’s day! It’s gotta suck to share your day with the birthday of Garfield, though. I just hope your kids don’t relate you to the most unfunny, unoriginal, repetitive excuse for a comic strip of all time. “Hey, look! John came back from his date and he looks like he got dumped again! I’ll have some lasagna!” This son of a bitch makes Smallville look good. Back when Osama was alive all three were the most annoying things that refused to die. Looking back, I wish it was that fat cat who received a headshot.

For irony's sake, I hope it's stomach cancer.

Cancer: The unsung hero.

Pissed because it’s been so long since I posted? Ok, I’ll embarrass myself for you.

But I'll be back. With chloroform.

And just like that, the prey got away.

There’s this chick in a class at the uni that I’ve been hitting on for some weeks now and it’s going well. But on Thursday’s class as soon as the professor gave a 10 minutes break I went to her place at lightning speed to talk to her. I was being rather direct and I was happy with the direction the conversation was taking, but then I looked up and saw EVERY person in the class judging what I had been saying for the past 5 minutes… even the professor, who then was polite enough to ask if I needed more break time or I had landed her already. I didn’t know what to answer so he resumed his class so I had to take my seat three lines back. When you get cock-blocked by a professor, you know there’s something wrong there.

Of course I was what everyone was talking about during the rest of the class.

Well, at least I’m not this guy:

What you don’t see is that the hearse caught fire on its way to the funeral. And then the firefighters crashed their truck into the casket.

That’s all for today. All this rape got you down? Not to worry, I have the perfect thing for you! A song from Gang Gang Dance’s latest album! Ok… I realize this band’s name sounds like an euphemism for group rape so it might not be fitting… but I already wrote that and I’m too lazy to change it. So enjoy this cool song that will explode all over your face! Huh… not good either.

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If The Judge is A Hottie And You Can’t Control Your Body; Do The Creep!

Fucking mid-terms start Monday at 7 a.m. I don’t know a thing about the first exam. So I do what any person with remotely one brain cell does: Procrastinate.

Stop there criminal! Or else I'll pull out my gun! Oh! It's already out!

What bugs me the most is that this is a PG14 cartoon.

Who needs high grades anyway? OK first thing that bothered me these days: Flashers. I can’t get the logic of that. I mean, what kind of sick fuck just goes around with a coat and shows his (there are not many female flashers) junk to a passerby?! Aside from the Secret Squirrel, of course. You idiot are giving away the milk for free? Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to do that?!

The only people worse than flashers are those guys who keep pictures of their wives and kids in their wallets and push them so hard into your eyes you have no choice but to look at them. Cool, you found a woman stupid enough to want to procreate with you. I guess that’s some sort of accomplishment you goddamned idiot. Pat yourself in the back, you deserve it.

This here is your mom. I banged her.

This is when little Timmy learned to walk, this is when little Timmy started smoking...

Ok, next up is… the rapture! Yes! To the guy who spent $ 140.000 in “warning people about the rapture” (true story):

It's rapture time, bitches.

"Good afternoon. Would you please spare a moment for Jesus Christ?"

This is what you get when you trust your overzealous Christian to predict doomsday via calculus! He’s a preacher; that means the only think he’s good at is brainwashing morons! And another thing: He has already failed 6 times! Why on earth would you trust this man?! He also is a radio host! The lowest form of life known to man! Goddamnit I swear I wish the rapture did happen so that the world would be free of you.

To sum up: You had it coming, douche.

Moving on. You know what’s awkward? Bumping into someone, greet him/her and COMPLETELY FORGET/DON’T KNOW IT’S HIS/HER BIRTHDAY. This happened to me the other day. Bumped into this friend from school at the uni, talked to her a bit, came home, checked my Facebook and then look horrified at the birthday section pointing out that I’m an oblivious douche.

Oh, also I installed the WordPress app on my iPod and it’s funny how judgmental the thing became:

You don't know me, iPod! You can't judge me! You don't know what I've been through!

Crappy image I know, but it reads "Last Updated: Never"

By the way, there are (and have been) textovers in the pics in the posts. Just pointing that out. (Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t be able to figure it out yourselves.)

Also, Cristiano Ronaldo scored 40 (41 to some) goals in La Liga. Suck on that, midget. You know who you are.

Anyway, gotta go try to learn something. Today’s song is a good example of Liquid Funk (Yes, that IS a thing. A d’n’b style, actually). Great song by London Elektricity: Attack Ships on Fire. If you want to “borrow” the album, it is up at Hopeless Sound.

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I have lots of stuff to say, that’s why I never update

So tell me… what’s your fix? Because let’s be honest here; we’re all junkies, one way or the other. And I don’t mean only drugs; you can be addicted to pretty much anything! Aside from your booze, marihuana, LSD, Valium and gambling you have to count being addicted to really weird stuff… like S&M sex, fighting, snorting ants off of a Chihuahua, etc.

"God I love some crack"

Chihuahuas: Only allowed if you're snorting something off of them.

To be honest I’m all for trying new stuff and doing whatever you want with your life (as long as it doesn’t harm others), but everything in excess can be harmful. An addiction can kill you.

I’ll just come out and say it: I have an addiction. The worst of all of them. And at this rate, this addiction will end up killing me. It’s not alcohol: I’m a social drinker and I don’t really enjoy passing out from too much drinking. It’s not weed, if I smoke I do it once every four months or so. It’s not cigarettes either! I smoke a pack in two weeks! Gambling? Used to play in casinos, I don’t care for them anymore. Coke? LSD? E? Their other friends? Nope. Never have and never will. But what I do have tried, the thing that has me craving for more, can kill a man.

What is it you might be asking? Well fuck you, you’re no Dr. Phil. But I guess I’ll tell you

You do have kids. They're just not YOUR kids.

You don't just get psychic powers all of the sudden.

anyway you psychiatrist wannabe. It’s the most infectious drug, the one that makes you feel like God when you are on it, the one that makes you crave for it the most. My mom didn’t warn me about it. You never see PSAs against it, so it’s the silent killer. ‘Cause let’s face it: It can, and will, kill you.

Chances are you have done it too… and gone through its faces. First is only lust for it, it makes you want it even if you haven’t tried it yet… but it’s something that can be handled. Then it evolves and it becomes worse: you ignore every flaw, every possible bad thing about your addiction. It’s perfect. And you need more. When you’re attached to it, I’ll be blunt, you’re screwed. Dead, really. Because, we’ve been through this, it can kill you.

"Man I'm blazed" - "... hi, I'm Patrik!"

"And the ghost was Mr. Thompson all along!" - "Duuuude you blew my mind!"

I’m beyond that. I had my supply cut off some months ago and the rehab is a bitch. Every day or the other I want it that much more… and knowing I can’t get it back kills me. Because, yes, love can kill you.

I’m not gaying out here; it’s not like I believe that love is a magical mystical thing. That’s bullshit and you, me and the guys who sell saint valentine’s gifts as a living know it. It’s actually a bunch of chemical stuff going through your brain making you stupid, goofy and happy as fuck. Not much different from what weed’s THC does. That’s why it’s like a drug. The most devious, evil drug ever conceived.

I’m not going to speak against it, I’m not crazy. Of course I want it back, of course I want her back. But hey, not everything can be the way we want in life, can it?

Fucking life, I should just shoot it in the knees and make it crawl.

Anyway I’ll spare you from this incoherent moaning. Oh, too late? You already read through the whole thing? Wow, I feel sorry for you. I really do. Ok, I’ll tell you what: choose a hand, right or left. Right is it? Fine, you get Love Can Kill You (duh!) from BT. An amazing Progressive trance song with breaks infused into it.

Oh you meant to say the left one? That’s ok, you can have both. The left one has Not In Love by Crystal Castles. The genre? Huh… well… it’s electro, noise, something something dark side. Really flippin’ weird. In a good way.

So, till next time. And don’t worry I’ll be as cynical as usual next time.

Too much truth for a textover to handle.

tl;dr

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I’m a Yeti but I’m hip so I call myself “Aggravated”

OK, first things first… actually I never got that. I mean, how could second things be first?

Pull my finger. You know you want to.

So much stuff! I better shake my stick at it!

Or third things first? Or sixth things twelfth? I swear the people who came up with that stuff were either high or really fucking high. “More stuff than you can shake a stick at”? Really?

I would love to shake a stick at Leo Messi, though. And by “shake a stick” I mean beat mercilessly with a barbed wire bat. The fag did not only kick a ball in an 80-year-old lady’s face, but acted like he was saint when Pepe went to face him. It’s one thing to shoot balls at ladies faces (we’ve all been there) but it’s a whole ‘nother thing to act like a queer and not accept he acted like an asshole. As for the result of the match, I can live with it. Both teams could have won (thank God Villa sucks so much!). Tomorrow is the Copa del Rey final and, to be honest, I don’t really care. That cup makes no sense to me; I hope Real wins because it’s against Barça but I won’t be pissed if we lose. I just want the Champions league dammit!

"You dirty midget! I can't even look at you!"

"There was spinach in her teeth and I wanted to help take it off! Thats all!"

Now, second things second: Me bitching about school. See, some years ago, the University I attend attempted to get some sort agreement with Harvard. Yes THAT Harvard. How did it go? Well, look at it this way:

My College is a somewhat attractive yet average guy who goes to a bar. He sees the hottest

Laugh harder! He's not devastated enough!

Dont feel bad. He deserves it.

girl ever and offers to buy her a drink. The chick points to the guy and laughs and proceeds to throw the beverage in his face. Then she goes to his house and torches it with everyone he’d ever loved inside… while kicking him in the groin.

So yeah, it went badly. So what does the guy do? Step up his game and try to get the chick again! But at what cost?! My Uni decided that they needed to get a better image to make Harvard realize they had done a mistake; so the logical thing to do is to make better students. And how do you do this? By making classes fucking impossible! I mean, I’m in for a challenge but they are taking things a bit far. One week in and I’m flooded with work. Every day they come up with a new plan to kill my social life by giving me more work with increasingly harder subjects. Are they trying to prepare excellent students or nuclear scientists? ‘Cause I swear to God they tried to slip me nuclear physics in my Economics assignment!

(Yeah, that’s all an elaborate excuse to cover my lack of posting)

Anyway, I’ve got to run ‘cause I’ve got some essays to do. Shocking, right? But don’tNo caption this time. Pic is funny enough. worry; I won’t just leave you like that! I’m not the kind of guy who does that. I’m the kind of guy who cooks you breakfast the morning after a long night of spooning. But not for you, I don’t find you attractive.

The song of the day is brought to you by Drum and Bass bosses Black Sun Empire. It’s from their 2010 album Lights and Wires and I recommend getting the whole thing since, besides the outstanding music from these guys, it’s got features from the likes of Noisia, Telemetrik, Nymfo, State of Mind and other amazing acts. If these names don’t do anything for you, you’re next on my list after I’m done with Messi. But you can make things right by getting the album. Where? Well in true Easter spirit there’s a link hidden somewhere in this post. The link leads to an awesome, amazing, outstanding, tasty electronic music blog. Yes I do collaborate in it. Was that so obvious? Anyway, without further ado, I bring you Eraser. You’re welcome.

I told you to mind your own fucking bussines!

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I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

Ok quick rant today. You know what I hate? You. You can’t go around telling people you know what is it they hate you nosy know-it-all! Anyway, there’s something else that gets on my nerves: The Westboro Baptist Church. Hell, they make me want to go into a killing spree.

I have a huge problem with religion, every religion. To me they are all based on mind control, extortion and pursuit of power. No, I am not talking about Darth Vader. But the people from the Westboro Baptist Church outdo themselves to stand as the crappiest religious organization ever! (Don’t be jealous, Scientologists and Mormons; you’ve got your own things going on).

These “Church” has announced that they will be picketing Liz Taylor’s funeral, because of her gay friends and (wait for it) humanitarian work against aids. For those of you who can’t find sense in this, these are the guys who protested funerals of slain members of the American military and a girl who was a victim of a school shooting. The reason? She was a Muslim, so they claimed “God sent the shooter”. Cute.

When these people die I swear I’ll swap their tombstones for picket signs and hope they come back as zombies so I can beat the crap out of them with their own signs.

Little known fact: God also hates penguins.

One of their actual picket signs, not even kidding.

Anyway, moving on. I gotta run now, so I’ll just leave you with a couple of presents:

1. A stand-up from Chris Rock in which he makes a pretty good statement on how to stop violence.

2. A psychological test based on disorder studies by the University of Cambridge. I failed at 4 so I guess I have somewhat of an inclination to violence. Those motherfuckers! I’m the less violent guy ever! I’ll kill them! I’ll kill them all!

Prepare to have our friends from Westboro picket your funeral.

3. The song of the day. Avant-Garde Jazz at its finest. John Zorn is a freaking mad genius and he will shove it in your face with this track. Also, there’s a bonus. Click the link bellow the video before listening to the song. Rain does make everything better. (If you happen to be one of those kids who enjoy smoking, I hear this is a treat.)

http://www.rainymood.com/

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